White Lies

We know that honesty is the best policy in all relationships. In healthy romantic relationships, partners directly discuss their desires, thoughts and feelings. They share private information. Revealing ourselves to our partner breeds intimacy, and honesty strengthens our connection.

But what about white lies? Are white lies OK or damaging to healthy relationships?

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White lies are actually extremely common in healthy relationships, according to Susan Orenstein, Ph.D, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Cary, N.C.

Orenstein defined white lies as “omitting the complete truth to spare someone’s feelings.” A white lie is an innocuous lie. In fact, she said, sometimes, a white lie is just being kind.

It’s your wife wondering if you can see her wrinkles, and you replying, “you’re as beautiful as ever.”

It’s your husband bringing you breakfast in bed, fruit overripe and French toast undercooked, and you saying it’s delicious.

It’s your partner clearly giving it his or her all, and you not wanting to hurt his or her feelings.

In other words, white lies are about “overlooking certain things in the name of love and understanding.” They’re about offering reassurance. Orenstein referred to it as a collusion we make with our partner to prop each other up.

“It’s an implicit mutual agreement couples can create to say ‘we’re special,’ ‘we’re the in crowd,’ ‘and I’m incredibly lucky.’ We can cherish each other and honor each other by acting as if our partner is the most beautiful, smart, loving person in the whole world; that we would choose him or her over anyone else; that we made the right decision and we’re not looking anymore.”

As a whole, white lies are OK. They’re even beneficial — if they’re about being sensitive to your partner, she said. “White lies are not OK when they’re meant to protect you, to hide things or cover up. There’s a big difference.”